Spread Open and Pinned Against a Wall

It was explained to me this way, my moment of not doing as asked...

I deliberately chose that which would bring me to immediate submission, without the prettiness and niceties and how do you do's.

That is a startling revelation, and the truth of it gave me a release that the disobedience did not provide.

I have never felt so fileted, so skinless.

It's this - so many years of treating a brain anomaly with a mallet, when that troublesome spot needed instead the sharp and insistent focus of a laser.

Those earlier strides forward, so confident and self-assured, have changed into a cringing belly crawl. Still the right direction, but with deference and awareness.

I have no way of exiting, not now. I will be dealt with. There are no more buts, what ifs, my endless list of conditions and qualifications. I must accept that, I must keep myself from a wrong step while letting my fear catch up to acceptance.

Zen and the Art of Submissive Maintenance

Since the gas prices started climbing, I've been practicing more efficient driving. This includes making fewer trips (which certainly dovetails into my hermit nature quite nicely) and driving more smartly. No A/C if I don't absolutely need it, no driving over the speed limit (actually, I CAN drive 55, Mr. Hagar), coasting to stops, gradual acceleration. I've gotten accustomed to the right lane. And surprisingly, no one seems to care. A year ago, a slow driver on the U.S. interstate system would have been abused by others, but not these days.

And it's amazing what you notice when suddenly the focus isn't to beat your best time, or pass that car, or block that guy from changing lanes...I get to see dolphins, if I'm lucky. I get to watch the ospreys catching fish with those horrible claws.

But it's not just about what you get to see when you slow down, it's the slight zen transcendence you achieve when you do it. My drives to work (to anywhere) are relaxing, meditative.

There is a correlation here that I can't quite put my finger on. My submissiveness, too, has turned all zen-like. Neither fast nor slow, though...more like a lever has been flipped. Someone pressed my easy button.

"when are we going to get going?" Chris says.
"what's your hurry?" I ask.
"I just want to get going."
"There's nothing up ahead that's any better than it is right here."

-Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Winter of Kukkutasana

For the past few days, the normal oppressive humidity of Florida has lifted. It seems if you pay attention, you can find fall here. But instead of making you think of football and sweatshirts and morning frost, there is the same hope and blush of spring that I remember from other climates. Winter, when it comes, is no worse than a pair of gloves and a lightweight coat. There is something curiously liberating about knowing the worst of the year is behind you instead of in front of you.

It suits my state of change.

A bothersome task before is an exciting challenge now. That is such a simple statement, but the effect produced in every action and thought is immense, and impossible to articulate well. It is pleasing me to please.

Like a yoga pose that is difficult. I've sweated and cursed and nearly given up, only to find that one day I contort into place naturally, with little effort. It's shocking and you want to show anyone with the patience to watch.

Note: Kukkutasana is a tough one for girls with big asses, and its translation is Cock Pose. And yes, it makes me giggle.