Polyanais Dance

It's the last big hurdle. The one that makes my teeth clench and my belly boil. And I am trying so hard to understand my gut reaction and eroticize that feeling instead of let my insecurities undermine me. But there it is, the topic that never lets me get clear of my fears.

The evolution isn't so different from anyone. There is infidelity in every person's background. Both as do-er and do-ee. I'm no different. It's never pretty, it's just always a risk.

But walking into it knowing that it isn't a risk but a certainty...that takes courage. And I know, if it's truly polyamory, then it isn't infidelity. Theoretically I understand that. But when you are watching those bodies slap together, is it enough to understand? And how do you get to the point where you embrace it?

This is where I am starting to challenge myself. I need to find a way to push past whatever barrier it is in my head that gets so discombobulated by the thought of poly. I have a physical reaction. Just writing this, my feet are tapping, my brow is wrinkled, and I have this ball of icky in my stomach. However, my pussy is throbbing. This is the same reaction I have had with other concepts that I eventually accepted, mind you.

I've gathered or formed a few distinct opinions about poly over the past year which may or may not be true, or may not be true for long anyway.

For instance, poly works best if there is a hierarchy among the submissives. A top girl. When I put myself in a poly situation in my mind, I'm always the top girl. However, I can see myself not being the top girl, but if I am not, then my allegiance is to the actual top girl, not the Dominant. I'm not sure if that is how it would play out, or if that is the only way my mind can accept it at this stage.

Also, I think I still carry a stigma - that poly is just a way of letting a man have multiple sexual relationships without having to commit to any one person. And I know this is not the case, that the responsibility and consideration in a successful poly family does NOT equal a selfish man. But it IS hard to let go of that social conditioning, to not look at it and think of Warren Jeffs.

I've been going around and around about this for some time, trying to get my finger on the spot. I need to be enlightened, to not be so frightened of this. It's a loose tooth that I can't help but wiggle.

Multiple Neurosis

I've got friends who love polyamory. Live polyamorously. It's turned into somewhat of a joke between us, that I get so turned inside-out over the normalities of their poly lives.

I don't understand it. The very thought of it turns my stomach into a seething knot of worry. For them, for me, for the future. Many times I've had to turn my face away so that I don't see it, read it, hear it, know it.

My secret is this...

Even poly, which fills me with terror, is something I fantasize about. Not the living in Utah on a commune type of poly, but the poly that requires me to be forced to submit to it. Forced bisexuality. Forced viewing of His pleasure with another.

My stomach a knot as I write that.

Not all of my limits kink up my nerves in quite the same way. Limits that I fully realize are flexible. Limits that I wouldn't pursue until asked to do so.

Poly is a limit for me. But is it really? Is it a limit based on ego, on insecurity? Or is it a limit based on the typical foundation of normal relationships? It IS a limit based on trust, that much I know for certain.

But it's still there, and it still makes me squirm and shake when I see it on a blog, and it still makes me squirm and shake when I masturbate to it.

It makes me shake and squirm to offer this voluntarily without having You coax it out of me.