Multiple Neurosis

I've got friends who love polyamory. Live polyamorously. It's turned into somewhat of a joke between us, that I get so turned inside-out over the normalities of their poly lives.

I don't understand it. The very thought of it turns my stomach into a seething knot of worry. For them, for me, for the future. Many times I've had to turn my face away so that I don't see it, read it, hear it, know it.

My secret is this...

Even poly, which fills me with terror, is something I fantasize about. Not the living in Utah on a commune type of poly, but the poly that requires me to be forced to submit to it. Forced bisexuality. Forced viewing of His pleasure with another.

My stomach a knot as I write that.

Not all of my limits kink up my nerves in quite the same way. Limits that I fully realize are flexible. Limits that I wouldn't pursue until asked to do so.

Poly is a limit for me. But is it really? Is it a limit based on ego, on insecurity? Or is it a limit based on the typical foundation of normal relationships? It IS a limit based on trust, that much I know for certain.

But it's still there, and it still makes me squirm and shake when I see it on a blog, and it still makes me squirm and shake when I masturbate to it.

It makes me shake and squirm to offer this voluntarily without having You coax it out of me.