Uncomfortably Numb

On another site recently there was thread about how we develop and refine our taste for pain, and it got me thinking not just about pain, but about what I fetish-ize in general. The following (in italics) is the response that I wrote, and I feel like it needs a little more exploration.

I think what I struggle the most with is my internal perception that the numbness and subsequent growth is down a path of depravity I never intended. And before that is taken too far out of context, let me explain.

Shame and guilt have always been the primary driver for any fetish of mine. When I was younger, more innocent, the mere thought of being tied down and spanked was enough to send me into a paralysis of lustful guilt.

Now it is thoughts of being used publicly and humiliated.

And sometimes I don't know where that line is, the one that I won't ever cross, because I've crossed it again and again. Evidence as to why shame and guilt work so well with me, but also enough to worry me that my flexible line in the sand will take me to a place that I really don't want to go. How far is enough?

What I like to think, instead, is that the path isn't so much constantly forward as it is a cycle. I can travel it alone and rediscover submissiveness after pauses back in vanilla-land. Or I can find someone to travel with me, who pushes me into taking the party boats and excursions at each scheduled stop. And each successive trip around that cycle is different, sometimes better, sometimes less.

Pardon the cruise-ship jargon, but I thought maybe it worked better with an analogy.

In the end, what I have to believe is that I can have my limits pushed, my experiences widened, without giving in to those limits that would make me feel less human, that would cripple me with guilt. Just skirting on the edges is plenty, if you ask me.

I'm trying to understand this sudden shift in my psychology. Why I was NO NO NO to a sudden YES YES YES. And, granted, some of these things that I have fetish-ized are only compelling if they are forced on me, I won't do it voluntarily, without coercion.

But why am I not only saying yes in my mind, but saying yes more publicly? Part of what holds a edgy fetish as taboo for most people is that it is difficult to admit publicly. But if I am able to admit to something publicly, does that mean it is losing the taboo nature, or am I becoming desensitized?