It was only a kiss

It was just that I needed it, so profoundly. I can't be here, read your words, and not. I didn't plan it, but I can't say it wasn't in the back of my mind.

I was patient, I tried to calm myself, tried not to jump there and be first. I watched, as I do. It wasn't enough.

There were hands and voices and yes, there was pain, some...and I shut my eyes and rode it and wanted more and harder and there were watchers and the music and those hands again and must not cum and please fuck me and don't and do and just make all of this in my head go away.

How can I feel better and worse at the same time?