Evasion

I can't think into the heat of what I've been feeling, so I'm giving you different words today. I've got two days to prepare myself and of course I'm a bit paralyzed.

The photo is of a bit of mixed media art I purchased from etsy, something inspired by one of my own favorite poems, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock (Eliot).

I haven't hung it yet. I like to touch this painting, it is full of texture. It's not grand, and wasn't meant to be. Like Prufrock. Like me.

Girl with Curls

Not 10 minutes from where I live is the Dali museum. I've been there once. I admit that I'm not a huge fan of museums, simply because I like to ponder and digest, not cruise. Museums overwhelm me. It probably seems just the opposite, since I often will go from room to room at a rapid clip, unless something stops me in my tracks.

The painting from the photo is a Dali, one of his earlier works. All of those eye-tricking complexities that he painted didn't capture me nearly like this one. I liked the perspective, this simple girl a giant against the landscape, and the earthy seduction of the curves of her.

I bought a print of it, it hangs in my living room.

Spread Open and Pinned Against a Wall

It was explained to me this way, my moment of not doing as asked...

I deliberately chose that which would bring me to immediate submission, without the prettiness and niceties and how do you do's.

That is a startling revelation, and the truth of it gave me a release that the disobedience did not provide.

I have never felt so fileted, so skinless.

It's this - so many years of treating a brain anomaly with a mallet, when that troublesome spot needed instead the sharp and insistent focus of a laser.

Those earlier strides forward, so confident and self-assured, have changed into a cringing belly crawl. Still the right direction, but with deference and awareness.

I have no way of exiting, not now. I will be dealt with. There are no more buts, what ifs, my endless list of conditions and qualifications. I must accept that, I must keep myself from a wrong step while letting my fear catch up to acceptance.

Gray Matters

I did something I was asked not to do. I say asked, because it's not to the point of being told. But that line is very fine. I confessed, not in my former "aren't I a naughty girl" laughingly unaware way. Just a confession. I did this. With the full knowledge that it will somehow be dealt with. And that dealing with it will undoubtedly be quite unpleasant.

I'm not writing this down to bring attention to the disobedience, or to show how careless I am with your attention. I'm trying to dig into the meat of why I deliberately chose to disobey when I actually did not want to, what little wiggly bit in my brain is suddenly acting out of turn, and why?

Really, I Can't Resist...

I think it must be vanity, wanting to share little pieces of my flesh with you.

1. Do you like bleu cheese?
Does anyone not get that the BLEU part is MOLD?

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Nope, and not interested.

3. Do you own a gun?
Is THAT what's in your pocket, Mister?

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I can't remember the last time I went to Sonic, so let's change that to Starbucks. And the answer is a shot of espresso and sometimes a bit of hazelnut.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not in the least. I find doctors to be calming, reassuring, authoritative and...oh no. Another fetish.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Anything that is a byproduct shouldn't go in your body. (But I love 'em, dang it, specially the ones at baseball parks).

7. Favorite Christmas Song?
Baby, It's Cold Outside, but I'm not sure how much that is about Christmas.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee, and lots of it.

9. Can you do push ups?
Probably not.

10. What was the name of your first girlfriend/boyfriend?
It was 5th grade. I remember he gave me a ring from Avon. I don't remember his name now...

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My commit to me band, with the words 'to thine own self be true' engraved on the inside.

12. Favorite hobby?
Reading. Unless masturbation counts.

13. Do you work with people who idolize you?
I hope not.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
I'm not sure I underst...hey, look at the birdy. (No, I don't. I'm actually very focused).

15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
Procrastination.

16. Middle name?
Something very country.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
a)Who gets adult acne, really? this is so big I'm giving it a name. Esther. I hope it's gone by Wednesday.
b)I still haven't gone shopping.
c)Isn't there any chocoloate in the house?

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
a) paper
c) lunch
d) coffee

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
a) coffee
b) water
c) sprite

20. Current worry right now?
Nothing. I'm on a two-week vacation.

21. Current hate right now?
Hate is such a strong word...oh yeah. Sarah Palin.

22. Favorite place to be?
A log cabin during winter, with a fireplace, in the mountains of East Tennessee.

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
Watching the ball drop. Alone. Sniff.

24. Where would you like to go?
Iceland. Ireland. Other places spelled like Iceland and Ireland.

25. Name three people who will complete this?
Luna already did. Hmm. Probably no one else, they don't share our love of being tagged.

26. Whose answer would you want to read the most?
Tomstumblinthru.

27. What color shirt are you wearing?
Smoky blue.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No, I prefer high thread count cotton. I almost typed tread, which would have made that a much different answer.

29. Can you whistle?
Only while sucking air in, isn't that weird?

30. Favorite color(s)?
Blue.

31. Would you be a pirate?
Absofuckinglutely!

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Anything to make my dogs laugh.

33. Favorite girl’s name?
Oddly enough, the same name that Luna picked, but with a different spelling. Madeleine.

34. Favorite boy’s name?
I've always been partial to Ian, though I'm not sure why.

35. What’s in your pocket right now?
$27 and some lint.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Making fun of one of my male friends for being attracted to an admittedly crazy chick (not crazy sexy, but crazy get the lithium).

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Flannel!

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
I've never broken a bone, can you imagine? And yet, I fall down a lot.

39. Do you love where you live?
Right now I do.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Two.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
I don't really gravitate toward loud people. Which means...it's probably me.

42. How many dogs do you have?
Two. Wanna see pictures?

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I don't know, but I have a crush on YOU.

44. Who is your favorite president?
Abraham Lincoln.

45. What is your favorite book?
The Robber Bride. Or anything by Madeleine L'Engle.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Mmmm. Toblerone.

47. What is your favorite sports team?
I LOVE minor league baseball. (Remember the hot dogs?)

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Hmm. I'm going to have to do a new playlist just in case. I know Rusted Root's Send Me On My Way will be at the top of the list (chew-tube it).

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
On the couch after falling asleep while watching the Presidential Debate. Just saying that made me yawn.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Shut UP, CNN.