Revelation - Part 1

This is the first in a series of three, part of an essay I wrote at the request of someone here.

“He did not throw me and he did not push me. He took me around the waist and by the shoulders and bent me backwards. I was terrified I would fall, but when I touched a surface of cold stone beneath me the surprise of encountering the stone relieved me of my fear. He laid me down; a hard edge cut into the backs of my knees while my feet were on the ground, and as soon as I was fully extended, he was inside me. The whole was achieved in a matter of about four seconds. It was speedy and casual and effortless and at the same time seemingly impossible, like any virtuoso performance. And of course, nobody could have called it a rape; there was no struggle and no violence and no menace and no overcoming of a resistance. I was neither willing nor unwilling. I was nothing at all. I had not been given the choice to be either. I had not even been aware that there was a stone bench behind me when we had halted in our walk and he had broken off speaking in mid-sentence.

Prostrated as I was on the chill, hard surface, I felt utterly helpless. I had never before felt so helpless in my life. And he went on, as casually as he had started, neither embracing me nor holding me down. I closed my eyes. For all I knew he had his hands in his pockets. Then I hoped he would continue and was afraid he might stop, and almost immediately after this my hopes and fears were resolved and I felt like weeping with relief, but no tears came and I was shaken by dry sobs. I was still struggling for breath when he ceased.

He took me by the wrists and raised me into a sitting position. I kept my eyes closed. He slapped me lightly on the cheek and said, ‘You are my little girl,’ and then: ‘Come on, get up now.’“

When I first encountered a man with dominant tendencies, it was a soft man. A man with effeminate characteristics. A man who I thought an easy conquest. This man was not at all this way. He taught me more about myself, about the desires I harbored, than any other man before or since. I don’t even know if he considered himself a Dom, or if he just inherently enjoyed the physical acts that come with domination.

After this man, I looked for others with similar traits. Unfortunately, dominant thoughts seem to come packaged in misogynistic packages, which never seem to be true or lasting. But here and there the rare man seems to find me, and I discover again my true nature.