Understanding - Part 2

“My grandmother had a saying, ‘There are people who have to be forced to their happiness’; and every time he dominated me against my will and forced me to accept the pain he inflicted on me, and not to fight it, he made me feel angry and ashamed.

Yet, above and beyond these emotions, he filled me with a deep extraordinary happiness and satisfaction which I had never known before. It was like the commonplace experience of taking off in a plane in bad weather, flying first into a sheet of thick clouds and then rising still higher into the clear sky and brilliant sunshine. When he possessed me so fiercely that he drove me to the brink of darkness, he gave me the ecstasy of knowing that I had reached the one thing, the only thing, I had ever wanted.

When he was about to take me, I was yearning for him to shatter me and to break me down, and perhaps this was the reason why I made difficulties. Perhaps I put up this defence in order to provoke him to shatter and to break. But at the same time, my resistance had another, a different meaning. I was also longing to shatter him and to break him down. Each time we lay together, I was hoping to achieve it and to drag him into my darkness, and each time, when I regained my senses and opened my eyes and found him clad in his dressing gown and moving about the room quite unconcernedly, I felt a fury of disappointment which, in turn, added depth to my delicious feeling of defeat.”

Not long ago, I met a man on the website, and agreed to meet him for drinks. His experience and wisdom went straight to my head, and I felt compelled to obey him. When we met, he spoke of his youth, and a fight, and showed me his ear – a piece of which was missing. I was disturbed and enthralled. It confused me, placed me out of step. When he dropped me off, he asked for my panties. I capitulated immediately, absolutely no hesitation, and it simply reinforced this craving I have for a man who is strong enough to control me.